Inside Out
by DieChan
Summary: “I ignored the friendship that I used to hold so dear. Where did it all go so wrong? Where along the road did I trip and fall and cause so much destruction? When did my life turn inside out?” IMPORTANT UPDATE!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. All properties of KH are owned by Square Enix and Disney and I am not making money or profit from this fanfiction.

Author's Notes: This popped into my head and begged to be written. This story here was inspired by stories I've read before and didn't quite satiate my thirst for yaoi, angst, torture and character guilt. (grin) So I made this little one shot. Enjoy!

-o-

Dear Sora,

I'm so sorry. I could apologize a million times and more, but it wouldn't matter. It's too late. God, I'm such a fucking idiotic bastard… Why didn't I see the signs? I noticed the building weariness in your eyes; the same eyes of a person who is tired of life. Yet I didn't stop. I ignored my heart. I ignored your desperate cries for help, which were never physically voiced. I ignored the friendship that I used to hold so dear. Now look where it's gotten us. Where did it all go so wrong? Where along the road did I trip and fall and cause so much destruction? When did my life turn inside out?

…

Ah, I remember now. It was a sunny morning on our play island… it was summer break. I was going into fifth grade and you into fourth. We were inseparable then. You'd always used to get to the island before me every day. I found you hunched over something… asking if it was okay.

"_Riku! Come here quick!"_

"_What is it, Sora?"_

"_Lookit what I found!"_

… "_Who is she?"_

"_I dunno. I just found her on the sand, asleep!"_

That day we found Kairi on the beach changed my life. I spent more and more time with her and less and less time with you. As I looked back upon it now I could see in your eyes that it broke your heart every minute I was away from you. Once again, I'm sorry…

_I was sitting in my new favorite place on the paopu tree when I heard his voice. Sora._

"_Riku?" he called, "Where are you?"_

_I didn't reply. For some reason, I didn't want him to find me. I continued to look out to sea…_

"_There you are!" Darn. He found me. _

_I turned to him with a smile. "Hi Sora." His bright cerulean eyes held excitement, his ten-year-old face graced with a happy grin. _

"_You wanna go to the Secret Place and draw or something?" He asked hopefully, hands in front of him and fingers laced together in a pleading fashion. _

_I rolled my eyes, "Sora, we've already drawn on everything; there's no room left in that place!" I waved my hand dismissively, "Plus, I'm waiting for Kairi to get here. I told her I was going to show her around the island today."_

_I felt a twitch of guilt as his face drooped slightly in discouragement. "Oh…" A few silent seconds passed and he brightened again, "Can I go with you?" _

_I bit my lip lightly. "Well, Kai wanted to know if it could just be us two…" I trailed off as I heard the soft sound of water splashing. I looked to my left and saw said redhead rowing towards the island. "She's here now. I'd better go get her."_

_I began to walk passed him, away. I stumbled slightly when something latched onto my arm… and that something, was Sora._

"_Please, Riku? Can I come?"_

_I was beginning to get frustrated, "No, Sora!"_

_He pouted and whined, "Why not? You guys never let me come with you!"_

_My anger was rising, "Stop it, Sora. I said no!"_

_He clutched my arm tighter, "Why not?"_

_I snapped. "Because I said so!" I snarled as I threw him roughly to the ground. He landed on his bottom with a hard 'thud', shock scrawled across his face. He gaped up at me and I saw the tears of betrayal form in the corners of his eyes, but at the moment, I didn't care._

"_Now leave me alone!" I bellowed as I turned and stalked away. I should have turned back when I heard the whimper and pathetic sniffle…_

… _but I didn't. I met up with Kairi, and I didn't see my 'best friend' for the rest of the week._

Over the years I began to tease you at school, pulling pranks on you from tripping you in the hallways to writing cruel words on your locker. And believe me, every pained look in your blue eyes was burned into my memory. I can never forget the things I did and the toll it took on you. Yet you never did anything about it… you just let me get away with anything. Why? Why didn't you even defend yourself at all? Why didn't you hate me?

"_Hey, Riku, look," Kairi purred in my ear as she hung on my shoulder, "It's **Sora**." I chuckled at the way she said his name, venomously and sneering. I followed her gaze to my right. Sure enough, the brunette was emerging from a classroom, books tucked in his arms. He had the usual depressed look beset on his face and kept his gaze on the floor. _

_I heard Kairi's voice again, "Why don't you go say hi? He looks _really_ down." She said in mock concern. I smirked, catching on, and pushed myself off the wall I was leaning on. I made my way to the middle of the hall and stood in his path. _

_I didn't budge as he rammed into me, falling backwards onto his backside, books and loose papers falling into a mess on the floor. Some people nearby stopped in their activities to stare and snicker at the fallen boy. My smirk grew wider as he slowly glared up at me with those frighteningly dull blue eyes._

"_Gee Sora, you should really watch where you're going, you could run into someone!" I sneered at him. People were laughing, pointing… _

_He made no move to acknowledge that I had said anything, however, and instead began to gather his fallen belongings. I frowned at this; how dare he ignore me? I kicked the notebook he was reaching for out of the way, hoping to get his attention. I did. He lifted his head to meet my mocking stare. And suddenly, I didn't feel so big and bad anymore. Looking into those sorrowful eyes, hazy with tears, asking me 'Why,' I lost my cocky attitude. I felt low…_

_I snorted and turned around, tearing my eyes away from his, "Whatever." And walked away, careful to keep my eyes hidden from view. I walked right passed Kairi, who was smiling smugly at Sora (ignoring me completely), trying to hide any traces of distress I felt in my heart. It hurt… a lot._

I know why you didn't hate me. In your mind, I was still your best friend. The one that you ran to when something was troubling you; the one whose shoulder you cried on when your druggie father accidentally overdosed and died; the one who made you laugh when you were down. But all that changed when Kairi came. She took me away from you and changed me, I realize that now. I was so cruel to you. I said such hurtful things to you…

And then one day… One day you told me something that further sent my mind into confusion. It made me think. You told me something that changed my life forever. I didn't understand at the time and I lashed out…

_I jumped back in shock, wiping my mouth furiously with my long black sleeve, "W-what the fuck?" I screamed. Kairi looked horrified. _

_Sora, however, didn't move from his backed up position against the lockers. A small spark of determination flickered in his eyes as he repeated himself, "I said I love you."_

_Shock. Betrayal. Anger. Fear. Confusion. Guilt… "S-so, you're… gay?"_

"_If that's what you want to call it."_

_I had never punched someone so hard in my life. If I had not been so furious and overwhelmed with disgust I would have winced at my own brute force. Kairi was _laughing _as Sora doubled over, holding his stomach and trying to regain the breath he had lost. His blue eyes clearly reflected the pain he felt. _

"_Stay the hell away from me, you freak!" And as I stormed off down the hallway, even I couldn't help but notice how hollow those words sounded. _

After that day I had spent many sleepless nights thinking about… everything. I thought about you and what you had said. I would ask myself questions that I didn't have the answers to – _'Do I love Kairi?'_, _'Do I want Sora?'_, _'What will everyone else think of me? … does it matter?'_ Now that I knew you loved me, it seemed as if so many new possibilities had opened up to me. I felt somewhat happy. But something in my mind kept telling me it was wrong; boys shouldn't love other boys! So I avoided you entirely. And it wasn't until just a few days ago, after the accident, that I had come to my conclusion.

_I wanted to scream; scream so loudly that I would be hoarse for a week. My legs were frozen, feet glued to the spot and all I could do was stare ahead helplessly. My heart raced and adrenaline pumped, but I didn't move. Is that guy going to slow down or what? Oh God, please slow down!_

_Sora – innocent, victimized Sora – was crossing the crosswalk and minding his own business, but the speeding car wouldn't stop. My eyes darted quickly back and forth between he and the car. The driver layed down the horn… only too late._

_I couldn't bring myself to tear my gaze away as the car, in a last resort, swerved violently to the right and collided with Sora's frail body and rammed into a telephone pole only yards away. The force from the hit had thrown the boy a good distance away, where he then lay motionless in the road. I finally found my voice._

"_Sora… NO!" The next few moments were a blur, and then I was finally aware that I was cradling your body close to my own, sobbing and muttering nonsense. So many thoughts rushed through my head so fast I couldn't grasp an idea for more than a split second before it fleeted. 'What am I gonna do? Is he gonna be alright? What if he dies? Why do I care? Why did this happen? Why Sora? My Sora…'_

_And as the ambulance took him away, I realized that I could never live life without him._

It was also on that day that I realized that Kairi was _not_ the great and wonderful person I had always thought she was…

_I sat in the waiting room of the hospital's emergency room, mind blank, hands shaking and heart pounding. It had been almost two hours and no word on Sora's condition. I was going mad with worry and guilt…_

_I needed to call someone. _

_I slowly withdrew the black cell phone from my pocket and stared at it for a few seconds before dialing the number of the first person I thought of. _

_A click. "Hello?"_

"_K-Kairi…"_

"_Riku? Is that you? Where the hell have you been, school started hours ago!"_

_An uneasy sigh. "Kairi, there's been an accident…"_

"_Accident? Oh my God! Riku are you okay? What happened?"_

_A sniffle. "Not me. I'm fine. But… Sora was walking this morning and a car hit him… he might not make it."_

_A long pause. "… So?"_

_Shock. "So! He might die!"_

"_So? Why should I care? I hate that bastard."_

_Anger. "Why? What the hell did Sora ever do to you?"_

_Another, shorter pause. "'Cause he was in my way." _

I broke it off with her right then and there. She was a heartless bitch and I had finally come to see it. I wanted nothing else to do with her.

Did you know that a bunch of people from school came to visit you, Sora? After they had heard about what happened, they freaked out and came right away. A majority said they felt horrible for treating you so horribly… Heh. You should see the amount of stuff on your bedside table. Cards, stuffed animals, and small balloons galore. Believe it or not, we are _all_ hoping that you pull through this and wake up.

Wake up so I can tell you that I love you, that I need you and that I'm sorry for everything that's happened to you that you never deserved so maybe you'll forgive me. Wake up so you can smile and laugh and be happy again…

But, I guess that for now I'll be perfectly content to just watch over you while you sleep. I'll never leave your side again Sora, this I promise you.

Forever Yours,  
Riku 

_I sighed again as I brushed a few strands of his cinnamon brown hair away from his face as he slept. He looked so innocent and peaceful there; none of this should have happened. But I also knew there was nothing I could do. Nothing except sit and wait. But for him… I'd wait forever._

_I felt the burning in my eyes again and tore my gaze away from his form. I needed to occupy myself with something, to take my mind off the situation. When I feel down, I always write. Writing down my feelings usually surprisingly helps._

_Looking to my right, at the bedside table, I spotted a tablet of paper. _

_I tapped the end of the pen on the paper, brainstorming. What should I write? I always write down my feelings, but I also want to try something different this time. But what…?_

_I smiled to myself, the pen descending upon the paper._

"_Dear Sora…"_

_**End**_

Date Completed: Sunday, December 4, 2005


	2. THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER! Notice

I'm sorry if the update got any of your hopes up. –frowny face- I know that bugs me greatly when authors do that, yet here I am being an absolute hypocrite, hehe. Anywho…

**Dear readers and active watchers,**

Thanks to a few of the reviews I've received on this story in the past, I've decided to rewrite the story. However, it won't be a oneshot like this one; nooo, I plan to make the story longer, more in-depth and with an actual semi-plot instead of just unwarranted angst. It will have multiple chapters and I hope to get the first one up relatively soon. Hopefully the new story won't stray too far from the concept I'd originally made for this one, and hopefully be a bit better.

Also, if anyone wants, this is your chance to save this story to keep it; I'll be deleting this one once I start posting chapters to the new story. Save it while you can!

**EDIT 04.09.09:** Also, in light of my recent change of heart regarding Kairi, I won't be bashing her in the rewritten story. She will not be the bad guy. x3 (I knew there was something I was forgetting in the original note...)


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